Our job, Our purpose

This has been weighing on me lately - what is my purpose? I feel I've lost balance and sight of what I used to feel so strongly about. I feel that life easily does this to many of us with hectic schedules, late work hours, and then unexpected, unpleasant events. The devil's handiwork may be idle hands, but I also believe that busyness distracts us from our full, true purposes. It keeps us so focused on our to-do list, that we lose sight of the daily opportunities we have to make a difference and show our purpose. And our purpose, I feel is very simple.....

Love. We are to show such a love, that people almost seem to question us on why we are the way we are. Love is the simplest purpose, but probably the most difficult to commit to show. We may think we know how to love, and we may think we are pretty good at it - but when we commit to showing love to strangers, to possibly stressed out and difficult people we don't have any ties to - THAT is when our capabilities to show love are tested. Maybe that's why we don't do it more, or lose that energy in the beginning to do so - we feel those that don't appreciate it or scoff at it drain our will to show that love....but it shouldn't be about what you get in return from living your purpose, but the peace you may find from actually knowing and living your purpose. Living your life truly fulfilled.

I mean, most of our lives what we do and what motivates us is to somehow receive or feel loved and do show love to those for which we care. We chase it; we crave it; the lack of it makes us feel lonely and depressed. We are wired to want and need love. I've read that for proper mental and emotional health, we even need so many hugs a day - I think Virginia Satir said it - "We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth." Whether that is completely true is up for debate, but usually a hug does nothing but help others and us. I think it just shows this point that I tend to get too busy to remember - that HOW we interact with others around us is more important than how many interactions we have. That the interactions with others are  more important than our to-do lists and our busyness. If we chase love, but don't show it - then we create the loneliness and sadness in ourselves. If love is one of the main things we crave, then we also need to do our part to fill that need. The quality of showing love is immense. There has to be an intent, a choice, every moment of the day or we'll end up allowing ourselves to get so busy that we'll be distracted or blinded by the opportunities to enhance someone's life. It has to be as deliberate as that to-do list I make often. It has to be as unwavering as my commitment to my work schedule. And I need to show it to more than just my loved ones or friends....to more than just my circle of known people for that is too safe and guarded of a love. It waters down that purpose.

For me, the motivator for this is my faith in God - whether you have this faith or not, I remain respectful...so please remain respectful of my view as well. God IS love and we of faith are to be like Him. That simple. Yet that profound. Have you really tried to put yourself out there...be vulnerable and show love....to someone you don't know? And not judging who may be deserving of that show of love...but just to give it?

And it doesn't require a huge grand gesture, a lot of money, or even a lot of time out of our busy schedule. It could be a smile, or a genuine "hello" or "how are you?" ....it could be as time consuming and involved as you choose for it to be - but it isn't as inconvenient as you may think. Plus, you may likely also get something out of the interaction. I once handed out flowers in NYC on my way to a conference - just 12 of them, but it was shocking to me how guarded we all have become when love and care is really what we all want...we just aren't used to getting that anymore without strings and especially from strangers. Most people initially refused because they thought I was trying to sell them, then when I told them they were free they either looked at me like I was demented, like I potentially poisoned the pollen or something, or they asked me why. And when they found out it was just because - the smile on their faces alone was enough to make me feel that love too.

Trust me - you're not going to run out of love by giving it. I honestly think that is the only way we truly feel loved and emotionally full. It may seem energy consuming and hard to muster up that strength at times, but the more you do it - the easier and more instinctual it will become. The more energy giving it is. For that is where our purpose is.

So I encourage whoever is reading this to think about ways they can show more love. Make a to-do list for this, make deliberate choices. And then also when your heart is being tugged in someone's direction, follow it. YOU can create miracles for others and YOU can make a difference in this world by simple act of showing love. And by doing so, you may witness a miracle of your own as well. A changing of your soul and outlook. A fulfilled purpose.

Why I Believe in Miracles

"Miracle" ....seems at times so heavy weighted. Something expected to be a huge momentous experience. Something ground shaking and loud. Something that is not able to be ignored or overlooked. But I think we overlook miracles every day. I think part of them being special can be the fact that we have to seek them out or be open minded. Other times, I do think we get smacked in the face with it. Here is an example of both....

When I first moved after school into a new town, where I knew no one....where I had to use GPS just to get to the nearest grocery store or gas station. When I wondered what the crap I was thinking for taking such a chance on my own. You see, I had been in a 9 year relationship before this and all the moves made I always made with him. I had never been alone. And here I was....as alone as could be. I cried when I would get home from going somewhere because without GPS, I'd be lost. I would cry because when I did come home, I had no human to greet me. But my two dogs would lovingly try to lick my face - so it could've been worse. But I was overwhelmed. Lonely. The loneliest I had ever been. I can't remember how long I had been living there, but it wasn't too long. I got in my car and plugged in the grocery store into my GPS (still didn't know my way around so I definitely couldn't have been there too long)...and drove. I was overwhelmed that day from everything mentioned above and my new job as a Physician Assistant - my first one since graduating. The weight of the responsibility and my worry of whether I would do well or not was crushing. I was in line to check out and the lady infront of me looked at me and smiled. I'm not quite sure what she said at first but I'm sure she could see my emotions written all over my face. We briefly talked and somehow it came up that I was new to town. In a heartbeat she got so excited, hugged me, and welcomed me here. She said there are many adventures awaiting and I should be so very excited for what is yet to come. And then she left. I got in my car and cried so hard - it was the first hug I had since I moved and was such a welcomed gift. A stranger, one I see as an angel/blessing, gave me a miracle. One I desperately needed. 

Now if you're still with me reading away (or awake from my blabbing)....this next miracle is a hard one for me to talk about, but always gives me goosebumps too. I wouldn't be here doing what I'm doing without it.

So that 9 year relationship I mentioned before....we were high school sweethearts. I won't go into details but it ended abruptly....and I was in PA school....during rotations and stressing about whether I'd even make it through or not (like we all did). But in that too I had to find a new place to move into, split up our stuff, get the help to move everything (thank you to my family!), all while still trying to keep it together for rotations. I ended up moving into an apartment that my friend/classmate was just in - but she had also just moved out all her furniture. I didn't have much furniture with me - none actually so I bought an air mattress and a futon and had that for the next 3 months. I also didn't have my pets with me, as they weren't allowed, so my family took them for a while I was all alone. Somewhere between this I also started drinking a lot to avoid the pain even if for a bit. One night, I was home, probably had some liquid "courage," and decided it was all too much for me to deal with. Between my childhood past and this, I was beyond depressed. I wanted to be at peace and be able to rest...forever. I had a note written. A knife in my hands, was in the tub...and my phone rang. I believe I ignored it, but it rang again. I picked it up - figured I could postpone my final plans for one more moment. ...and it was a friend of mine from high school that I hadn't heard from in years. She started off saying that she just felt a tug on her heart to call  me, and prayed I still had the same number. She thanked me for being who I was back then and being there for her, inviting her to our youth group, and talking with her about my faith in God. She said that I was the only one she felt comfortable talking to about this. She proceeded to tell me about how her life was currently and how she sees her faith working every day. She told me she hoped that her call came at a good time and the news/thanking helped. I was speachless. And then I believe I sobbed. I don't remember if I was too stunned to talk to her about my plans that night or if I hung up, but I have definitely let her know since. Without her listening to that "tug" she felt to reach out - I know I wouldn't be here. THAT was my BIG in your face miracle that did and has since reminded me I, and everyone, is here for a purpose. 

Sometimes the miracles we expect or hope for are also miracles others are hoping for. And we can do our part to create them. In turn, I think we get our own miracle knowing that the timing helped someone get their moment they needed. Restoration of faith or life or whatever. We have to create miracles in order for miracles to continue to exist. And we are capable of so many, daily miracles! They don't have to be huge, extravagant, money consuming gestures. It can be as simple as a phone call, a kind word. A flower from a stranger. Whatever it is that is put on your heart to do for others - people you know or strangers - I believe you shouldn't let anything stop you from doing so. You may never know the true impact of your actions, but someone else just may have gotten a miracle they needed. What can you do today, this moment, this week - to spread some happiness and possibly even create a miracle for someone? Please do so, because something as simple as a phone call, I know, can even save a life. 

The Pain

It's so hard to see the purpose in the pain when we are drowning in the pain itself.

I tend to get extremely anxious and overwhelmed during these moments. My dad always told me not to get too far ahead of myself, but I can't seem to help it - it's autopilot for me. Not only am I dealing with the painful moment, but also wondering how that changes my future or what changes will come of it....how long this pain will last (because "it takes time" is too abstract), when it might overwhelm me again, if I'll be able to keep it together during work or a public outing....

I guess that's what ya get when you mix that pain with someone that has anxiety and depression. The depression side tends to keep you down while the anxiety runs wild with all the likely scenarios. I have no energy to do anything, yet somehow, my mind has somehow tapped into a treasure source of caffeine and won't stop running - only to drain my physical energy even more.

I wonder often if other people experience this to the extent I do. We seem to keep our cards (experiences) too close to our heart, fearful that our hand may lose against everyone else's - when this isn't a game of poker. I've learned that when I show my hand, even though I'm terrified in the process, usually good experiences come from it. A weight lifted. Empathy from others. Or even, a purpose I didn't know was even there.....I've come to find that while we hold our cards to our heart - someone else is going through similar pain that seems unbearable because they feel alone. Since on one talks about it, we assume they haven't gone through it. That we are alone in our experience. The pain in the experience can make us feel even that much more alone and isolated.

Life is too short to spend it lonely, isolated, scared or hurt. I know it's much easier said when we aren't in those moments but it's none the less true. Our time on this earth is too short. We overestimate how much time we actually have when most of it is spent on trying to figure out our purpose or getting distracted. We need to remember how simple it is, in my opinion. It's about showing love. I think we can learn better about this from our pets. Their love is unchanging. They put their full trust in us, and in return show us unending, unconditional love. They're happy to see us, even if we've left them home for hours at home alone because of work. They're ready to cuddle with us even if we just yelled at them for a mess they made. They live their lives in a positive, loving way regardless of the pain they may experience. Unafraid almost. Courageous.

I encourage whomever is reading this to do just that and see what happens. Be courageous. Don't be afraid to show love by telling your experience - especially when there is someone else going through similar. The pain that you may have gone through, or are going through ....with no meaning for it in sight....maybe part of the purpose is just to share that experience and the realness of that pain. Your story and experience may make it less painful and easier to bear for someone else going through it. Be uncensored and all in. Be unapologetic for what you're feeling. Be brave. I promise you, that effort won't go without some positive outcome. Even if who you open up to doesn't seem to understand, maybe it will help them one day. Or maybe they're too scared to open up to you as well in that moment, but that's ok. Know that you are stronger than this pain. Than this moment. That part of any experience, part of the purpose is to share it - to help others with it. And with that....I'll start my next post.

Have you ever had a moment where a stranger's comment latches onto you, makes you take pause? Something simple, but profound...

I was going to one of the local hospitals for a quick interview and orientation a few months back. I had my Starbucks already, so was more awake than other non-caffeinated mornings....when I saw an older gentleman, smiled at him...and he asked me how I was. "Fine," I said, "you?" and without hesitation......he told me "I've not had a bad day in my life." That's all that was said in passing. But it made me stop in my tracks....made me take a pause in this busy day.

I realized especially then that I had lost sight of this. I stopped looking for the good or the adventure in the day. I stopped creating an adventure for myself. I've gotten caught up in complaining, grumbling, rushing, staying busy.

How amazing something so unexpected can happen from a stranger in just one passing moment. "Not a bad day in my life" is a pretty bold statement to me, but speaks volumes on this man's outlook. I'm sure he's experienced many ups and downs - he seemed to have plenty of years under his belt. Many moments that caught him off guard. Made him mad or sad, and yet without even having to think about his reply - he knew that each day he had here meant that it was a good day. Oh how I've lost sight of what life is supposed to be about....

It made me think about how much I've slid from where I was with trying to be positive, and how far I still need to go. A few years ago, I told myself that I would do what I could to be a better version of myself everyday - something a friend once told me his goal was and that comment also struck me and became something I've never forgotten. I've lost sight of that - but that man, that stranger helped me remember this. In one short sentence, he made me tear up. He caught me off guard. He changed my day completely. I hope somehow he knew what an impact that small statement had made.

Now I tell myself to try everyday to see life as he does - that there is never a truly bad day. There is good in every moment, every interaction - or there can be. It's not always a passive playing field - most times we have to be the ones to make sure it is a good day. It's our choice to make our days great or allow them to be riddled with chaos and hustle and stress. Our interactions and outlook tint the glasses that allow us to view our lives. What shade have mine been lately? What kind of out of date prescription did my lenses have to allow such a fuzzy, generalized viewing and how long had they needed to be fixed?

If this stranger can make such an  impact on me, I'm confident that each of us can do the same in just a similar moment. A gesture. A positive spark in this dark world. If only we wake up with a clear mindset to do so, to not let the business of our lives overtake the purpose in our life. I hope I can continue to remember this man's words and allow it to help me everyday. For every day, there is a purpose. There is reason. There is meaning. And because of that - every day is a wonderful day.

So, I've thought about doing this for a long while. I'm not the most eloquent or grammatically correct. I'm completely, downright awkward most of the time. So be patient with me....I'm not sure how frequently I will get to this, and it will take me a HUGE learning curve to figure this out, as I am very technologically DEclined/stunted.

Honestly, I've been struggling often lately. With many things in life. Most of life. And I see many of my friends and family struggling as well. I know there is so much pain that occurs daily. But we are all survivors of one thing or another - or many things. I think we forget how strong we are from what we've been through. That there is reason to everything, even if we can't see it in the moment. No matter how discouraged I get, I refuse to give up and think that this life is just about exerting all our energy to tread water, keeping our head just above the water, gasping despirately for whatever air we can get. That is exhausting. Unsustainable. There's much more to this short, bittersweet life than that. I want to see those reasons for the bitter to help me realize the sweet that much more. To not just get by in this life, but to see it as a wonderful adventure. There are too many worrisome, stressful, hectic....sometimes downright chaotic occurrences in our lives anymore. I guess this is my way of trying something new. Something to do what I can to maybe somehow help myself, and others if I can. What do I have to lose? I don't believe in keeping my cards (experiences) close to my heart where they're safe and hidden. I've learned years ago that, however difficult, it's better to show my hand. Tell my story. If more of us did this, less of us would feel so alone or lost. We'd have a community of support and understanding. Maybe one person can't do much, but it can't hurt to try. This is my way of finding some purpose in the pain...being able to appreciate the full spectrum of bittersweet.