The Pain

It's so hard to see the purpose in the pain when we are drowning in the pain itself.

I tend to get extremely anxious and overwhelmed during these moments. My dad always told me not to get too far ahead of myself, but I can't seem to help it - it's autopilot for me. Not only am I dealing with the painful moment, but also wondering how that changes my future or what changes will come of it....how long this pain will last (because "it takes time" is too abstract), when it might overwhelm me again, if I'll be able to keep it together during work or a public outing....

I guess that's what ya get when you mix that pain with someone that has anxiety and depression. The depression side tends to keep you down while the anxiety runs wild with all the likely scenarios. I have no energy to do anything, yet somehow, my mind has somehow tapped into a treasure source of caffeine and won't stop running - only to drain my physical energy even more.

I wonder often if other people experience this to the extent I do. We seem to keep our cards (experiences) too close to our heart, fearful that our hand may lose against everyone else's - when this isn't a game of poker. I've learned that when I show my hand, even though I'm terrified in the process, usually good experiences come from it. A weight lifted. Empathy from others. Or even, a purpose I didn't know was even there.....I've come to find that while we hold our cards to our heart - someone else is going through similar pain that seems unbearable because they feel alone. Since on one talks about it, we assume they haven't gone through it. That we are alone in our experience. The pain in the experience can make us feel even that much more alone and isolated.

Life is too short to spend it lonely, isolated, scared or hurt. I know it's much easier said when we aren't in those moments but it's none the less true. Our time on this earth is too short. We overestimate how much time we actually have when most of it is spent on trying to figure out our purpose or getting distracted. We need to remember how simple it is, in my opinion. It's about showing love. I think we can learn better about this from our pets. Their love is unchanging. They put their full trust in us, and in return show us unending, unconditional love. They're happy to see us, even if we've left them home for hours at home alone because of work. They're ready to cuddle with us even if we just yelled at them for a mess they made. They live their lives in a positive, loving way regardless of the pain they may experience. Unafraid almost. Courageous.

I encourage whomever is reading this to do just that and see what happens. Be courageous. Don't be afraid to show love by telling your experience - especially when there is someone else going through similar. The pain that you may have gone through, or are going through ....with no meaning for it in sight....maybe part of the purpose is just to share that experience and the realness of that pain. Your story and experience may make it less painful and easier to bear for someone else going through it. Be uncensored and all in. Be unapologetic for what you're feeling. Be brave. I promise you, that effort won't go without some positive outcome. Even if who you open up to doesn't seem to understand, maybe it will help them one day. Or maybe they're too scared to open up to you as well in that moment, but that's ok. Know that you are stronger than this pain. Than this moment. That part of any experience, part of the purpose is to share it - to help others with it. And with that....I'll start my next post.